The past few weeks, I have talked with two friends who have recently lost their pregnancies – lost their babies. And, during each conversation, I found myself crying with them as they recounted how they found out, and what happened after that devastating news.
I found myself searching for words. Is there anything I can say to take this hurt away? Is there anything I can do? I feel so helpless. Then, I cry even more, as I remember that pain, that loss, that grief, that…darkness.
There is an amazing joy when you are trying to get pregnant and you learn that you have been successful. That first “Pregnant” result where you didn’t see the “Not”. What an amazing feeling! And, that first ultrasound when you see the little peanut – words cannot describe the joy, the overwhelming feeling that you are starting a family of your own.
And then, you feel different. Something feels wrong. You call the doctor who tells you “It’s nothing. Don’t worry.” But, you know you should worry.
Then, your fears are confirmed. Something changed. Something happened. And, that family that you were creating. Those hopes & dreams. All of that changed.
And, every time I talk to a woman going through this, I weep. I pray for God to give me the words. Somehow help me help this woman get over this pain. Make it hurt less, make it go away faster, something.
Some women I have talked to during their infertility journeys are very angry at God. Why them? They almost feel like God is punishing them for some reason. Or, how can there be a God who would not allow a great couple to get pregnant. Doesn’t God want great parents for amazing children?
I have come to the realization that – there are no words. There is nothing I can do to take that pain away. There is nothing I can say to stop the hurt, stop the fears, stop the tears.
Here is all I can say:
- Your feelings are REAL and you have the RIGHT to feel HOWEVER you feel
- Your journey, your experience is uniquely yours. And, while others have gone through something, their journeys are unique to them.
- And, if you are angry at God, it’s ok. If anyone can handle it, He can
- Thanks B-Girl for this line! You are SO RIGHT! He can totally take it!
And then, the question is almost always asked – Does this ever get any easier?
That’s another tricky question because everyone experiences grief differently. So, for me, here is what I can say.
- I never “lost” a pregnancy, that I know of, prior to us getting pregnant with our oldest. So, I don’t know what it is like to lose a baby without being able to come home and hold one.
- When we had our first, we knew why we had to wait. He is meant to be our oldest baby.
- When we lost our 2nd, it was truly a difficult time. I believe that it was a blessing that we had our oldest. He made that loss a little easier to bear.
- That May, when we were supposed to have the baby – That was a tough month. I cried a lot that month.
- But, seven months later, we found out we were expecting another baby. So, the next May, while I still thought about that baby in Heaven, it hurt less.
- Getting pregnant with our baby girl was amazingly easy. We never thought we would have that experience.
- But, that was followed with the loss of another baby this past April. So, we will see how I feel this Thanksgiving when the baby would have been born.
All that said, with every successful pregnancy, the losses seem to hurt less. And, knowing those babies are in Heaven playing with Jesus makes it even easier. And, I am patiently waiting for the day I get to hold them in my arms.
As I said to a friend last week…I feel like I am part of a special group, a sorority of women who have gone through similar experiences. We usually don’t talk about it unless we know someone else has gone / is going through it. And, I pray that none of my friends ever have to join. Because I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone!
But, when you are in this sorority, you are thankful to know that you aren’t alone, that others have made it through to the other side, and there is a light that will shine again to break up the darkness.
So – does it get easier? For me, it did. But, it never goes away. And, when you talk to someone going through fertility issues or experiencing the pain of a recent loss, all that pain comes back. It comes flooding back. While you don’t fully feel their specific pain, you can empathize with them because you have felt something similar – different, but similar.