It was late 2006, our friends welcomed in their baby girl, and I boycotted my 30th birthday.  Since 2005, we had failed 1 year of trying naturally, 4 attempts with Clomid and 4 IUI attempts.  It’s mid-November 2006, and our specialist is recommending IVF as our next step.  And, I am miserable.

This is the next step, right?  This is what we are supposed to do, right?  What is our other options – no family? 

Instead of praying, I jumped onto the Internet because Google Knows EVERYTHING!!  I read all I could about IVF, the process, the success rates, the drawbacks.  I tried to get my head around what that would mean.  After a few days, I still wasn’t settled on a decision, and I wanted to know what else I could do.  So, back to the Internet I went.  What are my other options?

My true “diagnosis” was Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  In my non-medical / non-technical terms, that means that my body produces too much testosterone and doesn’t handle insulin well.  If you are a medical person, or someone with a good Internet connection, you either know or can look up the full details.  That is what I got out of it.

Based on my Internet search, I did have another “medical” option – Ovarian Drilling.

Now, that might sound barbaric – at least it did to me at first.  But, I thought it was worth a shot.  Basically, again in my own words, it was an outpatient procedure where the specialist would cut a few holes in my stomach and use a tool to put a few holes in each ovary.  That would allow more eggs to have the potential for natural fertilization each month.  Drawbacks, I could go into menopause earlier than I would naturally.

So, I made a follow-up appointment with my specialist and told him I had made the decision to not go through IVF, but to try this first.

I say that I told him and my decision because I truly made these decisions on my own.  My husband and I were not talking much about babies anymore.  We were tired.  We were worn out.  And, we needed a break from all of this.

After that appointment, I told my husband my decision.  He didn’t have much to say.  While he said he supported my decision, I know it wasn’t what he would have chosen.  And, if you know him, you know that he was MEANT to be a dad.  My decision might have closed that door.  Or, at least that door with me.

In mid-December 2006, he brought me to the hospital for my procedure.  When I was released, we drove home…quietly.

I wish I could say that I was comfortable and confident in my decision.  I wasn’t.  Not at all!  I was a mess. And, I also felt very alone.  I remembered a verse from the Bible, so I looked it up, and finally got back to my knees and prayed

Philippians 4:7 (GNB):  And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

Please God, I pray for peace beyond understanding – for myself, and for my family!  Right now, I have no peace.  And, I feel a storm on the horizon…

Quick side note (maybe not so quick) – Please know that I am so very thankful that IVF is an option for women.  And, while I didn’t (and I do mean I didn’t) choose it for our family as an initial option, it was always a possible option.  I talked to several friends who had gone through IVF successfully, and some not so successfully.  There were a lot of things I had never thought about before these discussions – extra embryos, storage, embryo adoptions, etc.  It was a lot to think about.  I wasn’t ready, at this time, to make that choice.  So, I chose another option.

I believe God is part of every child that is born.  We are all God’s children!  Regardless of how we were formed, He helped us grow and develop.  He supported our parents through the process.  And, He brought us into this world.

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Hello! My Name is Jennifer Muszik

I am a blogger, business consultant and executive coach

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