While we were hopeful, we knew that it could be easy like the last time, or difficult like with the boys. Plus, we were both a little older, so that added additional stress. If I had a Geriatric Pregnancy last time, what would they call another one – Ancient / Dinosaur Pregnancy???
Either way, we were hopeful. And, while we thought about sharing the news that we were “trying” again with family, we decided to keep this one to ourselves. There were several reasons for this:
- We didn’t want to seem greedy. We already had three beautiful babies here with us, what more did we need.
- We were getting older, so the chances of success were less.
- We had other family members trying to conceive their first baby.
- I’m sure there were more at the time…
So, we kept this our secret. For one month…
Well, it was only one month because we soon found out we were expecting. How exciting!! But, for some reason, I was wanting to be really cautious with this one. I didn’t want to tell our kids. I was hesitant to share too broadly with friends / colleagues at work. I just felt different about this one. It was almost too easy. And, we don’t get too easy in our family.
But, everything seemed to be going smoothly. And, I was getting ready to go on a work trip, so I knew that there would be questions. So, I told a few people there on the trip that we were expecting, and with every discussion, I started to fall into the role of mom to another amazing little one. I started to hope & believe that this little one would one day be in our arms and in our home.
I made the appointment for the confirmation ultrasound for the week after we returned from our trip. It was Tuesday, and we would be 9 weeks pregnant on Thursday, so we were almost there. My husband asked if he should come and bring the kids, but again, I said we should wait. I didn’t want them there yet. We would share the news with them that night after the ultrasound.
So, I got up early Tuesday morning and drove to the office. I was called back and got ready to see our little peanut swimming in my belly. I was looking forward to seeing the beautiful sight of the little heart beating in the chest of this perfect little being. And, I was imagining the look on our little ones faces when we shared we were adding to our family.
Oh yes, and did I mention that our 5 year old, for Christmas, asked for another baby brother or sister?? Yep. He was ready. And, I so wanted to share this with him.
And then, I hear the questions again…
Was this a normal cycle?
Are you sure on your dates?
Could you have been off a few weeks?
No! Please God, No! Not again. Please, not again!
I answered the questions, looked at the screen and saw it again. There was a sack, but no baby. No peanut. No heart beat. We were in the early stages of another miscarriage.
As tears filled my eyes, I wrote the following text to my husband:
Only a sack. No baby formed. Talking to dr next. Not sure what we need to do. Have faith that this was God’s plan. We have 3 healthy amazing kids. I love you! Will call on way home.
I just went back and looked at the text, so those were my exact words. And, when he got the text, as he was reading it, our two boys were running into the room yelling, “Daddy!!!” the way that they do almost every morning. With this amazing love and light in their eyes, looking forward to the day they have ahead of them with their amazing dad.
I know I have written this verse before, but it is worth repeating:
Philippians 4:6-7 (GNB): Don’t worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking HIm with a thankful heart. And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.
I received that peace. While I was sad. And, I mean really sad. I knew that there was a reason for this. And, I do believe that God helped to limit the pain to those who could handle it. I can only imagine what that would have been like to explain to our 5 1/2 year old that we now weren’t going to have another baby. I am truly thankful each and every day that God spared him, and us, from that conversation.