I often get asked about when & how I was saved. And, while I know I committed my life to Jesus Christ in January 2001, I truly gave my life over to Him in 2006.
You see, what many people do not know is that it was really difficult for Paul and I to get pregnant on our own. We tried for a year on our own before asking for help. We then tried a few round of Clomid with our OB that were not successful. She then referred us to an infertility specialist who tried three rounds of IUI that were unsuccessful. Based on his experience, his recommendation for our next step was was IVF.
While I was thankful this was an option for others, I wasn’t ready to take that step right then. Based on my diagnosis, I asked the doctor to try one more surgical procedure and then jumped off the infertility plan.
If you have struggled with fertility, you know what I mean when I say “jumped off”. It is a lot to deal with. There are temperatures and doctor appointments and shots and ultrasounds and waiting…a lot of waiting. And praying…a lot of praying!
After 27 months of “not pregnant” results, I needed to jump off. I needed to remember why we got married in the first place. I needed to remember how much I loved my husband for who he was – not as the father of my children but rather as the love of my life. I needed to trust God to make this decision for us. We had given Him the decision of “how many” babies we would have – now, we needed to see if we were going to even have one.
It was December 2006. I had a surgery to put extra holes in my ovaries to allow them to release extra eggs each cycle. After a successful surgery, I went home and gave everything else to God. It was now up to Him. If Paul and I were meant to be parents, it was in His hands.
Truth be told – I don’t think it was the surgery that did it. I do believe He could have helped us long before, but we were not ready. And, He knew we needed to be ready because He was ready to bless us with an amazing child that would change our lives!
It was a very difficult few months after surgery. While the world thought my next option should have been IVF, I believed God had different plans. It was then and there I truly gave my life to Christ. I knew that He had great plans for us, and if we were to conceive, we would need His intervention. In March 2007, our prayers were answered.
Please know it was not an easy road since then. While we had a successful pregnancy that gave us our amazing Paulie in January 2008, we had an unsuccessful pregnancy later that year. We then were blessed with two additional successful pregnancies – Noah in 2010 and Sarah in 2011. So, when we found out we were pregnant in early 2013, we were thrilled! Unfortunately, at what would have been our 9-week appointment, we found out the baby did not make it.
While we were so very thankful for the three healthy babies God had already entrusted to our care, we were heart broken about the two babies we would never hold on this side of Heaven. So, we both prayed for God to answer the question in our heart –
Would we have any other babies?
In July 2014, we received our answer. I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cervical cancer, and the best chance of survival was a hysterectomy.
Please know – I did not see this as an answer right away. It took me a couple of weeks to come to terms with my diagnosis and what that meant. It wasn’t just a cancer diagnosis. This meant Paul and I would not have any additional children. I prayed for God’s “peace beyond understanding” while we decided what to do. It didn’t take us long to decide to move forward with the hysterectomy. While we wouldn’t be able to carry any additional babies, it would allow me to hold our babies here on Earth for many more years.
Why do I share all of this?
Because I now look at Mother’s Day so very different. I actually look at motherhood so very different. I realize how truly blessed I am to have and to hold these three amazing little babies each and every day. So, if you see me hold them closer, if you see me hug them longer, if you see me kiss them more than other moms, maybe this will help you understand why.
I know how very blessed I am to be a mom. It wasn’t an easy road to become a mom. And, while we hold and pray for our three babies here on Earth, we still pray for our other two babies that we long to hold in Heaven.
I come to You today in thanksgiving! I am forever thankful for Your blessings of pregnancy. I am so very thankful for the three babies You have entrusted to us here on Earth, and I am thankful You are caring for our other two babies in Heaven.
Father, I know there may be some reading this who are still struggling with infertility. I pray You help them see Your divine plan for their lives. I pray You provide them Your peace beyond understanding through that trial. And, I pray You help them conceive – in Your time.
Father, I pray You continue to help me be the best mother I can be to these three babies. I pray for Your divine help in raising them to be the people You have created them to be. I pray for Your assistance in opening their eyes to see Your divine plan for their lives. And, I long for the day when I get to hold our other two babies in Heaven.
Thank You for entrusting these babies to us! We promise, with Your help, to be the best parents we can be – to guide them and help them to become who You created them to be.
Father, I also am so very thankful for my mom who You trusted to raise me and my mother-in-law who You trusted to raise my husband! I am blessed beyond belief and am so very thankful each day for all You have provided!
In Your holy name,