Did you ever notice that when you want something, really want something, all you see is others that have exactly what you want??  I mean, seriously, when you want to get married, everyone is getting married.  When you are thinking about losing weight, everyone around you is skinny.  When you want a new car, everyone else is driving new cars.  And, when you want a baby, everyone you know is expecting.

Yes, that happened to us, too.  There were so many people around us getting pregnant.  And, while we were so happy for them, it was always a little painful for us.  We would wonder if we would ever be the ones to get pregnant.

Would we ever have people happy for us?  Would we ever be the ones the baby shower was for?  And, if I am being totally honest, there was a part of me that truly wondered, if I couldn’t get pregnant, would my husband leave me?

You can call it hormones; you can call it whatever you want.  Watching others get their gifts from God made me wonder if I would lose mine…my husband.  I just knew he would make a great father, and if I couldn’t give him a child, well, someone needed to.  So, I did think about that…a lot.

I know we talked about it back then, but I still don’t know if he truly knew how much I thought about this…

Let me take you back..  It was mid 2006.  We had been trying for 1 year on our own, failed four Clomid attempts, and waiting to meet our specialist.  We were talking about what we would do, when a person very close to us “broke the news” that they were expecting.  Let me add one more layer…they had just started dating several months before and weren’t “trying” to get pregnant.  When they announced it, they didn’t give us any warning.  They told us in front of others, so it took us some time to digest the news.  It took all of us some time to digest the news.  And, while everyone was taking it in, I stood up, gave them a hug, and congratulated them.

When I sat back down, I was proud of my reaction, but seriously fearing the worst for what I was hoping would be my family.  And, I know, that announcement had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!  But, in my mind, it did.  My husband was going to get to see a little baby.  He was going to see someone else starting a family.  And, when he saw that, he was going to see how much he wanted that family. And I couldn’t give it to him.

So, that’s another reason why I went to see the priest.  I needed to find out what my options were.

If I couldn’t give him a family, a family that he so truly deserved, could I give him a way out?  Could I let him go to start a family with someone else, someone who was able?  If I wasn’t able, what were my options?  Truly, what were his options?

Genesis 16:1-2 (GNB): Abram’s wife Sarai had not borne him any children.  But she had an Egyptian slave woman named Hagar, and so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children.  Why don’t you sleep with my slave?  Perhaps she can have a child for me.”  Abram agreed with what Sarai said.

Let's connect!

Hello! My Name is Jennifer Muszik

I am a blogger, business consultant and executive coach

Read my story