After the “procedure”, we went on with our lives as normally as possible. We got through the holidays, spending time with that gorgeous little one. Her first Christmas. Would we ever see that? Our little one’s first Christmas? First word? First steps? First anything?
Peace… Peace… Peace… Not finding any peace here. God, where are you?
I know He was there, but I really wasn’t looking for Him. I was relying on myself to get through this time. What was I thinking?
Just after the New Year, my husband and I were talking about all that had happened. He told me that he would have liked us to talk more before the “procedure.” He really wanted a family, and that decision wasn’t just my own to make. I could see the hurt in his eyes when he spoke. So, I did what any other woman would do…I told him that I knew he deserved a family, and maybe we weren’t meant to be together.
WHAT??? What just came out of my mouth? Did I really just say that? Please, let me take those words back. Please. Where is the rewind button? How can I erase those words?
My husband is a much better person than I. Had he said that to me, I am not sure what I would have said. But, here is what he said.
Honey, I love you. I married you. And, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I also want a family…with you. Stop pushing me away and let’s talk about this.
Seriously…He is an amazing man. So many other men would have taken the opportunity to run. He took the opportunity to console me. Much better person than me.
So, where’s the storm??? Well, that comes in a few days later when he and I were talking, and I found out he was talking to someone close to us about what he wanted, that he wanted us to go through IVF, and she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to go through it. So, I knew her thoughts, but up to now, we didn’t talk about them. Up to now…
Yep. We were all together, and she very clearly articulated that she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to give my husband a child. He was meant to be a father. Why wouldn’t I do EVERYTHING I could to become a mother? I kept saying I wanted to be a mother, right???
And, while I truly don’t believe these words ever came out of her mouth in this way, what I heard was “How could you be so selfish?”
KABOOM! And the storm rolled in!!
Selfish? Me, selfish? Didn’t I just go through 2 years of trying to get pregnant? Didn’t I go through multiple doctor visits each month, pills, shots, blood draws, etc.? How am I being selfish? And, no offense, but this is between my husband and I. I know you care about us, but seriously, stay out of this!
And, if it stopped there, it would have been bad enough, but bad goes to worse with…
And, you call yourself a Christian?? Really? What does God think about IVF? Don’t you think if God wanted us to be a family, He would make that happen? It is OBVIOUS that He doesn’t want Us to get pregnant.
Who did I think I was? Was I the authority on what God thinks? Seriously? I was still open to IVF in the future. But, I wasn’t thinking clearly at this point. And, I definitely wasn’t thinking before I spoke.
Crash, Boom, Bang!
This conversation didn’t start well, and as you can imagine, didn’t end well. Now, hindsight being 20/20, I know that this person was truly trying to speak for my husband because he wasn’t doing much speaking for himself. He was hurting, but because he knew I was hurting too, he didn’t want to add any additional pressure on me. He didn’t want to tell me how he felt because he knew how I felt. This person was just trying to show me the other side to my decision. Again, MY DECISION.
But, it’s hindsight that’s 20/20, not foresight and not my current vision (which is literally terrible!). So, this storm brewed for several weeks / months. We didn’t speak much. We didn’t see each other much. I spent most of my time at work, with my family or with our friends. My husband and I didn’t talk about it. And, I was steaming mad…
If I were to go back and change anything, I would have talked more with my husband. First, because he deserved more than I gave him. Second, so that this wonderful person didn’t have to feel my wrath. I would have listened much more to understand his side. If he didn’t want to talk to me, I would have understood that these words were being said in love, and not in judgment.
Sadly, I can see this all very clearly now. I can see it, but I am still too much of a coward to say I am sorry to the person who was trying to help. She and I are much closer now, and I only hope she knows how much I love her for what she tried to do, and all she does. I am so very sorry for not opening my eyes or my heart to her words. I know she was trying to be helpful, and I was a complete jerk!
One thing I know for sure, I will need to account for the words I have spoken:
Matthew 12:36-37 (GNB): You can be sure that on Judgment Day everyone will have to give account of every useless word he has ever spoken. Your words will be used to judge you – to declare you either innocent or guilty.
I pray that I will have the courage to one day say how sorry I am for the pain I caused.
I also wish that was the only time someone dealt with my wrath… Unfortunately, there are many more storms ahead…