So we had our son, and we were THRILLED!! Let me rephrase that, we ARE THRILLED!! He truly is an amazing little being. Seriously, I am almost beyond words as our little guy is truly a perfect fit for our family! HE is what God was waiting for. God wanted us to have HIM. And, He gave him to us! He made him. And, as our little guy as gotten bigger, I continue to tell him how much we prayed for him and how God gave him to us. He is special and perfect because that is how God made him. And, we are so very thankful for him. Each and every day, we are so very thankful for him.
So, that is where the story should end, right?? We went through fertility issues, we tried a few things, something finally worked, we got pregnant, I’m closer to God, all is good..right???
Well, sort of. I mean, I guess, yes. But, that’s not where my story ends.
See, when our little guy was about 8 months old, I wasn’t feeling very well. I was tired all the time (which is normal for a working mother of a 8 month old). After a week or so of feeling this way, I was picking up the phone to call the doctor to make an appointment when I saw the calendar. I realized that I had missed my period – I was nearly 1 week late.
That wasn’t like me! I never missed a period! I would take a test 3 days prior to the start of the period, then 2 days, then 1 day, then the day of if nature hadn’t already taken it’s course. Yes, I should buy stock in one of those companies because I think I have, single-handedly, kept them in business!!
So, I took the test, and…
PREGNANT! No “Not” on that one. Just, Pregnant! Yeah!! Oh my! Oh, No! Oh, Goodness! Oh! What a wave of emotions that was! What were we to do?? We had this little one and another was coming? How old would he be…quick math – 16 months. Yikes! We went from never thinking we could have kids to having two in about 1 year. CRAZY!!! Can we handle this???
Breathe… Deep Breath… Breathe…
Run to the store and buy an “I’m the Big Brother” T-shirt. I know just how to tell my husband this time. This will be fun! This will be AWESOME! Plus, how should we tell our parents, sisters, family. WooHoo! OK, now I’m excited! Fun!!!
So, I did. I ran out to the store, bought the shirt, put it on our little guy and surprised my husband. Had it on our little one when we went to visit my mom – Surprise! It was so much fun…
Fast forward about 2 weeks when I went to the doctor and asked for an early ultrasound. See, twins run in both sides of the family so I know we are going to have twins. What will we do with twins? Seriously?!?!?
At the hospital, I’m getting the ultrasound when the tech starts asking me questions…
– Was this a normal cycle?
– How have your cycles been since your delivery?
– Have you had any spotting?
Ummmm… What??? I thought I was going to see a picture of my little baby – or babies. Why are you asking me all of these questions? I should be about 7 weeks along. What’s the matter?
I go back to the doctor who tells me that the sack had started to form, but no baby. So, maybe I caught it early, or maybe it was a blighted ovum (which would mean no baby). We took a blood test, and another test a few days later. My HCG levels should have been rising – and rapidly rising. Unfortunately, that was not the case. My levels were dropping. I wasn’t going to be the mom of another baby. No twins in my near future.
So, we scheduled the D&C. Which – if you have never had one after a miscarriage, please let me warn you. When one of the providers comes in to confirm your “MISSED ABORTION” – don’t punch him. I starting sobbing and my husband almost leapt out of the chair when he said that… “I don’t care if that is the technical term”,
YOU DON’T SAY THAT TO A HORMONAL, EMOTIONAL, JUST LOST A BABY (I DON’T CARE HOW FAR ALONG I WAS, I WAS ALREADY PLANNING A FUTURE) WOMAN! OR HER JUST AS EMOTIONAL, LOVING, WANTING TO FIX IT FOR HIS WIFE, HUSBAND!
That was one of the toughest things I have gone through in this journey. My only saving grace was that I was able to come home and look at the amazing gift God had already given us. And, as I was watching him grow, I knew that God had a plan for us. So, if this wasn’t part of His plan, I needed to be patient and trust.
While I was doing that, my husband and I were told to wait at least 3 months before trying again. After those three months, we started trying – It was December 2008. Hey, we got pregnant twice now…This should be EASY!!!
No such luck! By mid 2009, my husband and I were somewhat back on the roller coaster. While we were so amazingly in love with our little guy, our lives had gotten all wrapped up in his, and not our own. We were struggling each month with the “Not’s” that we somewhat stopped talking about it. I dove back into work and he back into his new life of being dad.
It was late 2009, we were tired, we were lonely, and we wanted to add to our family. But, that didn’t seem to be in the cards. So, while we were so in love with this little guy so perfectly placed in our lives, we also found ourselves wanting more.
Romans 8:24-25 (GNB): For it was by hope that we were saved; but if we see what we hope for, then it is not really hope. For which of us hopes for something we see? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
I wish I could say I was as patient as this verse asks us to be. I saw what God could do. I was holding this amazing little guy in my arms. So, I did see what God could do. But, I didn’t know if He would do it again.