Again, I started my journey in early 2001. By mid 2001, we moved to a new state and started a life on our own. While I was on my walk, again, it was pretty lonely. We met many people who were not on the same journey, so as I stated previously, I jumped off the road – a lot!
We would soon be engaged and then by mid-2002, we were married. We were both in our mid-20s, so we weren’t necessarily thinking about starting a family. I had a great job, and my now-husband was finishing his college degree. He started his career, and things were good, for a while. We were the DINKs – Double Income, No Kids. And, we often still acted like kids. We weren’t ready to grow up yet, so we truly weren’t ready to be parents.
In 2004, I was offered a new position, so we ended up moving back to where we both grew up. We were minutes away from our family and our high school friends. That probably seems like a great thing, except, it continued to afford us the opportunity to live like we were still kids. Until we decided that we wanted to start our family.
In 2005, we started “trying” to have kids on our own. I was only 28, so I thought this should be easy. And, while I had started my journey with Christ four years prior, I was truly only a few steps down the road. I was still living life very much on my terms, believing that much of what I wanted was up to me, not up to God. So, we didn’t pray about it, we didn’t really even talk about it much, we just thought it would be an easy thing to do. I mean, really, how hard can it be? Girls get pregnant all the time! That was not our story.
By the end of 2005, we realized we were not going to be able to do this on our own. So, I went to my OB to determine what some of the options were. After a few minutes, I was given a medicine that “worked for most people.” For the next four months, my husband and I “tried” to get pregnant, but, I we learned that we were not “most people.”
By mid-2006, and I was getting close to my 30th birthday. We had been trying for 1 1/2 years, to no avail. Still not pregnant. My OB told me that “my eggs weren’t as young or happy as they used to be, so I needed to be patient – and consider meeting with a specialist.”
WHAT?!? My eggs aren’t young or happy??? I’m only 29. I’m still young. What do you mean by that? And, seek a specialist??? Who do I go see? What do I say? Will I ever get pregnant? Will I ever be a mom?
For the first time on this pregnancy journey, I prayed to God. And, it wasn’t a good prayer like, “God, I know you have a plan.” It was more along the lines of, “I thought that if I believed in You, You would help me. I thought You were there for me. Where are You? I need You. I’m hearing words I never thought I would hear and You are not here!”
He was there. He was there the whole time. But, I didn’t see Him or hear Him because the words I heard weren’t the words I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear – You are Pregnant! Not so much.
Like many people, I prayed to God when I wasn’t getting what I wanted. He was like Santa Claus. I would send up my prayer list like a child writes a Christmas list. I didn’t get the “relationship” part. And, this is how I prayed for the rest of 2006.
I sought out a specialist who told me that I would probably never get pregnant on my own. I lived too stressful of a lifestyle which, biologically, made it difficult for any fertilized egg to make a home in my body. However, my husband was SUPERMAN, so it wasn’t him, it was me.
THANKS FOR THAT!!! If I wasn’t stressed out enough, now I know that I can’t give my husband the family he always wanted and it is ALL MY FAULT! How’s that to reduce your stress level???
My prayers that afternoon were probably much worse than before. I didn’t understand. Didn’t I do things the right way? Well, kind of the right way. We loved each other. We got married. We had good jobs that paid the bills. We could afford to have kids.
Why? Why do we have to go through this? Why us?
And, after spending the rest of 2006 with the specialist going through failed Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) after failed IUI, I felt my prayers would never be answered! Never!
I boycotted my 30th birthday. Another year without the only gift that I wanted. And, I desperately wanted to be a mom. Looking back now, I probably seemed like a 5-year old that didn’t get the gift I wanted. I probably looked like I was throwing an adult-sized temper tantrum. And, I was!
But, here’s the thing. God was still there. Because when the specialist told me the next step would have to be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), I felt God Knocking again. He was there. He didn’t leave me. He was right there with me the whole time. But, maybe not in the way that you would think. Later that week, here is the Bible verse I read:
Genesis 18:13-14 (GNB): Then the Lord asked Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Can I really have a child when I am so old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? As I said, nine months from now I will return, and Sarah will have a son.”
So, I got down on my knees and prayed – Lord, what do I do? I know You, I love You and I truly believe in You. I hear what the doctor has said, but what do You say? Am I laughing like Sarah laughed? Have I even listened to what You have to say, or have I been listening to my heart? Please, lead me Lord. Please, heal my heart. What do I do?